Ethniopa’s Leaks Zone Defense Strategy

February 2nd, 2025

by Adrian Whitemore, International Correspondent

FRANKFORT PROVINCE, ETHNIOPA — In a leak that shocked no one, Ethniopan reformist Antero Satochi unveiled plans to slice the nation into three autonomous zones, which critics are calling “Balkanization Lite”. “Zones aren’t divisions—they’re opportunity clusters,” insisted Satochi’s spokesperson, Ema Nueva, during a press briefing earlier this morning. “Zone 1 will handle exports, Zone 2 will process existential dread, and Zone 3 will monetize cultural heritage.”

Despite outcry from minority groups, investors are bullish. Ethniopa national stock index climbed 8% on rumors of exclusive Zone 1 contracts. Even Ethniopa’s Southern Conflict, has now been rebranded as Zone 0: Pre-Optimized, and is attracting venture capital. “War zones are just pre-revenue markets,” shrugged Arcandian Commerce Group's CFO Elara Krell. Satochi’s plan may not end ethnic strife, but it will create jobs for drone pilots and corporate mediators. As the Arcandian Beacon always says: Why solve problems when you can incoporate them?